Jonas Versus the Volcano

This morning I arrived at work to find a throng of teens tweens and their chaperones waiting for a glimpse of the Jonas Brothers, who were holding court on Seacrest's radio show for the second day in a row.

Here's what I know about the Jonas Brothers:

1. They were recently on the cover of Rolling Stone
2. They are somehow involved with the Disney Channel.

Considering the fact that Rolling Stone hasn't had any cultural currency since the early Clinton Era (I'm being generous), I'm going to have to attribute the adoring fans to the Disney influence. I don't know much about Miley Cyrus, either, but I know she works for the Mouse, and witness the multitudes she drew into NYC for her Today show appearance the other day). This kind of thing has been going on at least since Elvis, and I don't have anything against the Jonas brothers per se. I'm just starting to resent the fact that I have to wade through crowds of screaming fans when I've barely had my morning coffee. I start to think evil thoughts, like what would happen if a volcano were to erupt out of the La Brea Tar pits and sweep the Jonas brothers (and their fans) away on a raging river of magma? Granted, this is unlikely. But it's exactly what the 1997 unintentional laugh riot "Volcano" invites us to imagine. I've avoided watching "Volcano" for a decade now, because deep inside I secretly hoped that a premise so ridiculous might actually yield a very entertaining film, and I didn't want to be disappointed. In retrospect I'm glad I waited, because it turns out that the "Volcano" in question is located right underneath the Miracle Mile, where I come to work every day! The film's climax, in which Tommy Lee Jones leads an army of city agencies in using freeway dividers to build a cul-de-sac to turn back the volcanic tide takes place at Wilshire and Fairfax, where I wait for the bus every night! Tommy Lee Jones does everything in Volcano. He cooks eggs for his daughter! He flirts with Anne Heche! He lays primacord explosive while mouthing off to the LA Chief of Police! Now I don't have to worry when my mind drifts into fantasies of vapid celebrities consumed by fire. Tommy Lee Jones will save them! Thanks, Volcano!