The Cinematic Dustbin: Heartbeeps

Editor's Note: This entry will mark the first in a semi-regular series dedicated to films that probably shouldn't exist, but do.

A mere six years ago, you would've needed a VCR and a video store that never updated its inventory in order to watch Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters in Heartbeeps. Thank God for Netflix instant streaming, because now you can watch this curiosity without getting off the couch. Released in 1981, Heartbeeps tried to ride the wave of success Kaufman had enjoyed with Taxi and his appearances on Late Night with David Letterman. Rumor has it that Kaufman was pitching a feature starring his cinematic alter ego, Tony Clifton (brought to life by Jim Carrey in Milos Forman's Kaufman biopic "Man on the Moon")and that the studio asked that he first appear in Heartbeeps as a test to see if he could open a film. In spite of this airtight logic, Heartbeeps failed to captivate audiences in 1981, and Kaufman was dead three years later.

Nearly 30 years later, the film hasn't aged well, but still remains an interesting curiosity, especially for fans of the two leads. Peters' involvement in the film is even more puzzling, considering she was still fresh off of a huge success opposite Steve Martin in 1979's The Jerk. Hollywood waters must have been as murky to navigate then as they are today, because she followed that triumph with a turd trifecta in 1981. In addition to Heartbeeps, she re-teamed with Martin for a stillborn musical version of Dennis Potter's Pennies From Heaven, and capped it all off by appearing in Tulips, whose poster features Peters in roller skates clutching Gabe Kaplan for dear life as the two of them dangle from a girder. Oh, and Kaplan's also appears to be holding a tuba. She would bounce back in 1982 with the movie musical version of Annie, and not a moment too soon.

Heartbeeps features Kaufman and Peters as robots designed by GM and then stuffed on a shelf. They manage to break free, along with a robot named Catskill, who's designed to look and act like a comic from...the catskills. (GM leading the pack in the 80's, just like they do now) Along the way they create their own robot child, dodge a young Randy Quaid and giant crime robot who appears to be on loan from Dr. Who, and eventually settle in a junkyard run by a young Christopher Guest. If all this sound interesting, it sort of is. Stan Winston got an Oscar nomination for his robot make-up, and Kaufman and Peters do their best with a lackluster script. But even at a scant 78 minutes, Heartbeeps drags, and I would've much rather seen the Tony Clifton movie.